my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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