Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
