i don't like sucking hair
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
