remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
