3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
