the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
