Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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