just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize