Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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