kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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