Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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