I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
