I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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