Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
