so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
