Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
