The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize