friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
