Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
