At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
