I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
