I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
