it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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