Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
