five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
