Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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