Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
