Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
