The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
