I CAN MOONWALK!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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