I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
