The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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