No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
