I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
