he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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