as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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