i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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