I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
