Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize