but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
