She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
