woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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