I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Floor bacon is actually really good
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
