$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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