Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
