Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
