So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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