pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
