he wants to bone in the snuggie
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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