I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
