Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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