I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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