so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
