We're like a lot better than the average bears
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
