We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize