ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
