When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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