Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize