Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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