when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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