Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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