i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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