Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I need to sanitize my soul.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
