Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
