What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
