I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize