What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
