I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
